


The ember in your throat (and the explosion in your heart)

by revoleotion



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben is emo but what else is new, M/M, Set after ep 7 with no knowledge of ep 8, hints of gay, minor description of pain and injuries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2019-11-17
Packaged: 2021-02-07 20:07:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21463798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revoleotion/pseuds/revoleotion
Summary: Kylo is left alone with his pain and has time to think about it.
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	The ember in your throat (and the explosion in your heart)

Theoretically, he didn't do it alone, Kylo thought as he opened his eyes to confront the blurry shadow his vision had become. He didn't need the Force to tell him how badly he was injured - but the Force told him anyway.

_I am going to die._

He deserved it, sure, all the way. The voices in his head he conveniently called the _Light Side_ (as if he had even a hint of a good person's soul left in his body) repeated it in an endless cycle. Drenched in sweat, blood and self-pity, Kylo inhaled the cold air and forced a scream out of his lungs. It felt good to get it out of his system but the rage turned into pain and then into something worse. 

Grief really had a strange way of hurting you. Kylo knew the familiar fire of anger; first the gentle ember in his throat, later the gut-wretching explosion that silenced thoughts and his conscience. And physical pain did something entirely different. It was hot but peppermint-hot. Kylo had always despised any spicy food, especially sweets. (In fact, this should be the only thing he and Hux had in common.)

Blast, even Hux's name hurt different now. Envy, mixed with strange longing crawled up Kylo's bruised chest. He curled his hand to a fist and squeezed the snow until it turned into water.

Better. A little bit better.

The grief remained.

He closed his eyes again.

_He helped me. It's like he did it himself._

Ben felt the overwhelming urge to carve his heart if his chest. The urge disappeared but not the taste of his old name. He hadn't thought of himself like that in, well, ever since _back then_. He had expected it to hurt less, somehow, because he had nothing holding him back. 

Maybe he could use it. Snoke would want him to; after all that was where Sith got their power from. Pain turned into power was better than all the polished Jedi nonsense. But that pain felt sacred to Kylo, like he wasn't supposed to turn it into something else. That pain of committing Patricide deserved nothing else than being felt as such. If Kylo was honest, he never saw himself as a Sith. He passed as one and he acted like one - but only because he wasn't a Jedi. There were only two options ("Go ahead, little _Ben_, just pick one already! And don't you dare choosing the wrong thing") and while he loved the red of his lightsaber, he never wielded that one in his dreams. 

He couldn't tell what color it was, but he had decided to believe that he dreamed in black and white. That way, it made sense that the sword didn't have a color. 

Something in the sky caught his attention. Kylo squinted at the bright light of a ship tearing apart the trees in an attempt to land next to him. The pilot didn't seen to care about the environment. It was a _New Order_ ship, which meant his tears were dangerous again. Every emotion on his face would be an excuse for punishment. 

He had to stop being weak, _now_. 

He buried the pain deeper than any thought before. So deep that he would forget about it. He carved the grief out of his heart and replaced it with the sight of an angel coming down the stairs of the ship. An angel in uniform, red hair and _for the Force's sake, not him_. It had to do, though. Fueled by the usual dislike, Kylo lifted his head and stared. 

"She didn't solve all my problems, I see," Hux greeted him. 

Kylo looked at him and opened his mouth, but before he could say anything, the darkness catched up to him. Numbness spread in his stomach, and that was the last thing Kylo felt before he lost consciousness. 

Still, he heard a voice calling out his name, and it took him a while to realize that it must've been Hux because there had been a kindness to it Hux would never want him to hear. 

**Author's Note:**

> While Star Wars is my special interest, I still am very new to the sequels. I have no real memory of writing this but the style might be inspired by IT.  
Also, Ben is my name twin and I could have a worse one, I suppose.  
\- ben


End file.
